Annie's musings
"Like Swimming" - a favorite song by Morphine
Don't fight the water - adapt! My life is blessedly full. When I can't find the time to paint, I turn to writing, which for me is possible in the small crevices of time throughout my day. Painting is not abandoned, simply at rest, waiting for it's reawakening.
Annie
Friday, May 5, 2017
Reservoir Maman
I've been writing short fiction. Here's a link to my story, "Reservoir Maman", published in the Santa Fe Reporter in November 2016. Scroll down, it's the second story in the article.
ww.sfreporter.com/santafe/article-12763-2016-writing-contest.html
Sunday, July 3, 2016
A Writer's Dream
On
a summer afternoon,
Sun
warming my body,
The
beginning of a story
Comes
to mind.
I
stir enough
To
capture it
In
shadow ink upon the wall.
Satisfied,
I
return to slumber.
Awaking
(still dreaming),
I
smile to see my tale
Still
there.
I
begin to read the words.
Each
collapses
Into
nonsense
At
the edges of my grasp.
I
rouse
To
the frustration
Of
a writer’s dream.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
The Perfect Body
Woke up this morning
feeling the flawless sculpture
of my biceps and triceps
from yesterday's kayak
on the lake.
An illusion,
this ache of my muscles
a reminder
from my 20-something self
that she is still here
within my aging body.
Dressing,
I confront the mirror.
The 20-year old me looking out
through my eyes
at the 57-year old I have become.
The grey hair belies the stress
of a career chance selected,
or perhaps only my genetic disposition.
In the face, the remnant creases
left by my stories
of joy and sorrow.
The stomach bears scars
of childbirth.
A memento
of my most beloved creation.
And everywhere
the effect of gravity.
Not solely the downward pull
back into the earth,
but also
the solemn dignity of life.
My 20 and 50-something selves
unite and agree;
I
have the perfect body.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Fighting the Forest
I destroyed a forest
today. Well, a small patch of potential
future forest. I ripped the tiny trees
out of the ground with my bare hands. It
is a battle with the ever-encroaching woods for possession of our
property. Some would call it weeding.
I feel incredibly guilty, as
if I myself am responsible for all of man’s destruction of the planet. Who am I to decide the fate of these
trees? Is my house more important? I think of old cabins left abandoned. Man turns his back and nature reclaims her
own; sending tree roots to crack the foundation, vines to expand the crevices
between the planks, and bugs to feast on the wood.
Despite my misgivings, I
uproot the miniature pines. On my hands
and knees, I marvel at the miniscule.
Underneath the five-inch red and white pine trees are even smaller oaks
and maples. I find several types of
minute mushrooms. One variety is tall
and slender; a pale runway model with a skull cap tight to her head. A second is thick and squat, with a
wide-brimmed hat instead of a cap. Yet a
third is just an ever-so-tiny button – nothing but cap – seeming to float on
the green below. The green is an
emerald-colored velvety moss, and another in a darker shade that is reminiscent
of feathery underwater seaweed. Underneath
it all are decayed leaves turned to dirt.
I am reminded of the cycle of
the northwoods forest. The forest begins
with birch trees. The birch give way to
pines, which in turn are overtaken by the hardwoods – oaks and maples. The cycle is not rushed. From pinecone or acorn to a strong, tall,
imposing tree requires decades, even centuries.
And yet, in my lifetime, I have seen these woods complete much of this
cycle. I remember vast stands of birch;
white trunks and silvery leaves creating a magical effect. Now these areas are mainly filled with pines,
and the forest is dark and ominous. But
the oaks and maples are growing tall under the pines, and autumn brings a burst
of color like light cutting through a prism.
I may have won today’s battle
against the trees, but ultimately nature, with her patient persistence, will reign
victorious.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Afternoon on the Dock
Three o’clock in the afternoon
and I find myself with an open hour.
It’s one of the first real days of summer, sun blazing in a clear
sky. Today I remember that we live by
the lake, so I head down the road to the dock at my mother-in-law’s.
I take off my shoes and sit
on the end of the dock with my feet dangling into the water. I close my eyes. The breeze over the lake creates small waves
that lap, lap, lap against the pilings below where I sit. The water smells pleasantly of algae. This lake odor evokes memories of summers
past.
I sat in this very spot
within minutes of arriving to this place for the first time 35 years ago. Willie and I were dating. It was the summer after our junior year of
college. He was staying in the
northwoods for the summer and I was working in Michigan. I came to visit, arriving late at night, well
after sunset. Willie brought me down to
the dock in the dark. The light of the
moon and stars was dim, due to cloud cover.
With the humidity, the night was a thick, viscous blackness. The lake level was low. Our feet hung over the end of the dock, but
did not reach the water. Not being able
to see, it felt as if I was on the edge of a precipice, with the water dangerously
far below. Only Willie’s arm around me
kept me safe from falling into nothingness.
Flash forward to Jazz as a
toddler. She was fiercely independent
and reluctantly took my hand as we approached the lake. We walked onto the dock, squatted near the
edge and peered over at the small fish swimming in the shallows. In her delight, she turned and kissed me on
the cheek.
Moving forward again to
pre-teen Jazz. She and her cousins spent
the summer together at Grandma’s. I was
visiting for a short vacation and was with the girls on the dock. The four of them, all a little pudgy as they
transitioned from their little girl bodies, were swimming, sunbathing, and
laughing at nonsensical jokes. I was the
outsider, taking my turn as the tolerated, but ignored, supervising adult.
Jazz at 17, recently
graduated from high school. The two of
us alone in our bikinis – diving off the end of the dock, swimming in the cold
lake until the chill forced us out of the water to lie in the warming sun. And then the heat sent us back into the wet to renew the cycle. She had accepted
me again as her mother and friend.
Returning to the present, I
look across the lake and see two bald eagles fishing. They are perched in a tree along the water’s
edge. One takes flight, gliding perhaps fifty
feet above the glassy surface. Suddenly
he pulls in his wings and, like a weighted arrow, he drops. As he reaches lake level he pulls up, legs out
and talons wide. His feet skim under the
water and then he is up again with a fish thrashing in his grip. He retreats to the tree, while his partner
takes off in a repeat performance.
Once sated, the birds rise
from the tree in unison. They ascend in
large spirals, one following the other, until they are small black specs
circling ever higher. I know they are
soaring at such great heights for the pure joy of flying. Want of this experience drew me to learn to
paraglide.
High above the Alps, I have
communed with eagles, sharing an upward current of air, me in my glider, eagle
at my wingtip, climbing away from the earth.
Pure joy in the absolute freedom – feeling totally at home and at peace
in my body, while at the same time, infinitely connected to the universe.
My hour of free time is over. I stand up, face the lake, and give
thanks. I breathe deeply, capturing the
lake air in my lungs to carry with me until next time.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Ghosts of Farmers Past
I was out to the farm early
this morning. Willie and I walked the
dogs on the trail through the woods, checked the new plants in the hops field,
and started to cover the blueberry bushes with netting.
The farm is 40 acres in
northern Wisconsin – an area of rolling forest dotted with thousands of
lakes. The property was first settled
around the beginning of the 20th century. We were not looking to buy a farm, simply
land as an investment. “Just take a
look,” the realtor said. When we did,
the spirit of the place crept under our skin and began to grow.
The property had not been
farmed for over 50 years. The last owner
had used it as an occasional hunting lodge, with maintenance minimal at
best. The farmhouse was a quaint,
rotting, little box smelling of mold and mildew, with no plumbing, a wood stove
for cooking, an oil-burning heater for warmth, and enough electricity to light
a couple of bulbs. The barn was sagging
and filled to overflowing with the precious, worthless treasures of all the
past owners. Former fields were
recognizable only because the trees in those areas were not as tall as the rest
of the woods, although just as dense.
The farm’s spirit infected
Willie first, taking deep hold of his heart.
He had a vision of what could be.
I didn’t see it, but believed in him.
Five years later we have emptied and renovated the barn, rebuilt the
farmhouse from the ground up (this time with modern amenities), constructed a
new lodge and numerous outbuildings.
Trails wide enough for a pickup truck run throughout the property –
perfect for walking in the summer and snowshoeing in the winter. We have an orchard with 140 apple trees, a
few cherry trees and blueberry bushes, as well as a five-acre field of
hops. The vision is reality and the
spirit incubating inside me is kicking me awake.
As we walk the trails this
morning I observe the large mounds of rocks scattered throughout the
property. I see the first settlers
carrying each of these stones by hand as they clear the land. Even
before they remove the stones, they take out the trees. We nod to each other in appreciation – I in
awe of their stamina and determination, and they to give thanks that someone is
again caring for their home.
On the far side of the barn,
under the willows, I come across the farmer’s wife tending to her vegetable
garden. All that remains today are a
rhubarb plant and a few stalks of feathery asparagus hidden in tall grass. The woman doesn’t ask me to replant the
garden. She is envious of the luxury of
a supermarket nearby.
In the barn itself, the floor
is shaped and worn by the hooves of milk cows.
The farmer and his wife take turns milking their small herd – he in the
early morning while she prepares breakfast, and she in the afternoon while he
is still in the fields. They look at us
in disbelief – our life is so easy!
The new farmhouse sits on the
foundation of the old one, with the old cellar intact. Stepping down into coolness in the now empty
space, I can see the bins of stored root vegetables and shelves of home-canned
goods. The farmer’s wife is upstairs
admiring the bathtub and the electric oven that heats up with just the turn of
a knob.
I will never be lonely
here.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Morning in the Orchard
The dogs and I headed to the
farm early this morning (well, early for me – around 8am). After seeing the bear on Rangeline Road the
other day, I now drive slowly through the woods, well under the speed limit of
35 mph, unless another car comes up behind me.
The slower speed allows me to
scan the woods for wildlife. I do see several
deer in the trees. There are so many of
them about, seeing them now is not unexpected.
But the surprises of the day are found along the road. A sweet little red fox saunters across the
pavement in front of the car and I come to a halt. She stops and defiantly looks me firmly in
the eye before trotting off into the woods. I continue down the road, and minutes later a
large buck with a magnificent set of antlers steps out of the trees and stands
statuesque as I roll past.
Even Luke and Lucy seem to
have reverence for these beautiful creatures.
They observe them both through the car windows and never move or make a
sound. So out of character for Lucy,
who’s barking frenzies whenever we pass a deer, a dog, a jogger, or any other
being, are more like uncontrollable epileptic fits.
Once at the farm, the dogs
and I head into the orchard. The dogs
play elaborate games of chase, while I carryout my task of manual pest
control. Two to three times a week I
walk the trees looking for worm tents as they are just forming, and remove them
from the trees before they cause damage.
The beginning tents are just
leaves stuck together, either folded onto themselves, or in twos or
threes. I circle each tree, scanning for
these anomalies. It takes a special
talent to spot them amongst the other leaves.
Walking the rows of trees is like meditation. There is a peaceful rhythm and flow to
it. Often I walk barefoot in the grass,
feeling the connection to the earth through the soles of my feet. Today I am
wearing shoes, as the ground is wet from overnight rain. I gently caress the leaves and branches when
I spot a possible tent. Removing
infested leaves must be done with a gentle tenderness. If the tent is higher up, the branch may be
bent to bring the problem into reach, but not bent so hard as to break it. The bark must not be torn when removing the
leaves, as for the tree this like an open wound on skin, vulnerable to
infection.
I realize how little I know
about tent worms. I know nothing about
the insects that cause them, or their life cycle. I must research. Better understanding will help the
trees. A line from the Game of Thrones
books keeps crossing my mind, “You know nothing, John Snow!”
There are bugs in the
trees. I find several types of
caterpillars. These I remove from the
trees. Sometimes there are ants at the
end of branches eating the tender new leaves.
These I probably should do something about, but don’t know what, so
leave them alone. “You know nothing,
John Snow!” There are occasionally tiny
gems of iridescent beetles – round-bodied beetles in a turquoise blue and
oblong shaped beetles in emerald green.
These too I leave alone. “You
know nothing, John Snow!”
I come across a spider’s web
glistening in the sunlight. The spider
is about the size of a quarter, white in color, with a round center that looks
almost like a small marble. She has
captured a honeybee and has it wrapped in silk.
This cocoon is translucent and I can make out the bee’s color and
markings through its veil. I notice that
the spider has made a lair in the leaves above the web. I watch as she attaches a line of silk to the
wrapped bee, climbs up to the lair, and then pulls the line and her treasure up
behind her.
At the end of each row of
trees I stop to fully experience my surroundings. I close my eyes and listen. In the early morning the loons call a
haunting, wavering tremolo. Later the
drill of woodpeckers is prominent. The
air on my skin changes as the morning progresses. It starts out cool, raising the hairs on my
arms. Within an hour the air is heavy
and my skin is damp with sweat. The sun
is hot on my scalp and I wish I had worn a hat.
I look down and see the green
grass mixed with flowering clover, wild daisies – white with yellow centers,
and red-orange hawkweed. Bees flit between
the flowers and ants scurry across the dark earth beneath the grass. A small orange and brown butterfly sits on a
daisy. One set of wings lies flat
against the flower, the other stands straight up to the sky. This pair seems to have a row of fringe along
its edge. What type of butterfly is
this? “You know nothing, John Snow!”
I look up. White puffs of clouds float across the blue
sky. The skies here appear transparent. Reach your hand out and it seems it would go
right through – so different from the saturated blue skies of New Mexico that
look solid to the touch. Birds cross
overhead. Once a blue heron, oh so
graceful; next, an eagle soaring high; and then a goldfinch flashing his bright
yellow with every flap of the wing. I
take a deep breath, smelling the trees, the grass, the flowers, the dirt, and
the dank of the surrounding woods.
After two hours, my job in
the orchard is done for the day. The dogs
are lolling in the grass, content and tired after their play. We get into the car and head back home, riding
in a shared serenity.
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